3. Cannabis-and-Sex

Cannabis and sex are a fantastic combination which I recommend to all. Whatever your sex or sexuality, cannabis enhances the experience, though there are a couple of issues. Before we get to these issues, we must first address the “elephant in the room” when we talk about sex, which is most of us are not very good at it. How can this be? Didn’t I practice on my own in bed before I blessed-the-world, and anyone who would say yes, with my sophisticated and erotic abilities? Well no. 

Take-it-from-me, sex, like any activity, needs learning. Would you drive a car on the I-95 without lessons and passing a test, or jump into a pool without learning to swim? Yet when it comes to sex, we believe that O-levels in wanking is all that is needed before we involve others. Sex really is an activity like any other that requites mental and physical application. Without research, learning and constant practice, our performance will top-out at a pretty unremarkable crap-level, leaving only the suspicion that others are getting-it-off much better than we are, which is most probably true. 

While on the subject of wanking, one of the very few cautionary possibilities I think I need to make you aware of. When I used to have a proper job in an IT consultancy firm, a colleague who used to work in engineering at Hoover told me about one of his occasional tasks. This was to read accident reports regarding the use of their products and make recommendations. He established that for a particular model of vacuum, nick-named “the passion-killer”, there were many similar instances of injuries to penises “becoming stuck” in the tube. Some of these were so bad they only solution was to redesign that part of the cleaner to make it safe. But how did they know it was safe? (its cannabis use that lets you see these things differently and ask this question). 

So, did they test it, and if so, how? The only test I would be entirely satisfied with is to see the “accident” recreated under laboratory conditions to ensure no lasting penis damage is done. Perhaps a statistically-significant cohort of six volunteers would “by accident” stick their erect dodgers up the vacuum tube while it was running. Caution would dictate starting at a low suction level, building-up trial-by-trial to full power. The penises would then be checked for any damage, and subjective comments logged from the volunteers. For transparency, this should all be filmed and made available to the public for reassurance (via YouTube or TV consumer-programs?). Only once this is done and re-done for new models and brands such as Dyson, can you go-out shopping while hubby mysteriously offers to do the vacuuming, safe in the knowledge that when you return your man and his manhood will still be intact. 

Before we leave the world of vacuum cleaners, let’s take this to its full logical conclusion. After these basic safety checks have been instigated, a full consumer evaluation can be taken across different brands. The online and TV consumer shows can now answer that nagging question, as well as cleaning your home, which cleaner provides the best satisfaction for those who want to personally experience full suction. This probably restricts the presenters to being of the male persuasion, but in this specialized area this is unavoidable. A good gonzo style presentation could tip the balance in favour of the V8 model from Dyson, or the C3-125 from Miele. This is what is great about cannabis; it makes you ask the questions that need to be answered. 

Back now to how do you go about getting good, safe sex? In the old days, if you were of a male persuasion, you could pay for the appropriate tuition at a brothel. Those days are gone, and the few brothels left (in western society), tend to be either ultra-up-market and specialized (e.g. kink establishments), or down-market hell-holes. The internet has taken over this market with escort agencies. Personally, I have never used these services, but the girl-and-boys professionals who administer them are exactly that; professionals (I’ve known a fair few in my time).

As professionals, they get paid for their services and will be more than happy not only to give you a good time, but also teach what works and what doesn’t. Particularly for women, this approach is ideal as the traditional brothel never really catered for people of the female persuasion. Also, professionals tend to be gender fluid, so homosexual encounters are pretty much-standard (as are three-some’s etc.). 

So, we are left with self-improvement strategies. If you can persuade a more experienced man or women to take you through the learning process, that is ideal. Once up-to-speed with the ins-and-outs (often literally), you are well equipped to sally-forth into the mainstream-maelstrom, and your teacher will always occupy a special place in your memories, and hopefully you will in theirs’. This works well for both homo and hetero-sexual encounters. But what if your appetites are a little more exotic; how do you get into group-sex, or BDSM or whatever? Its here that clubs come into their own. Again, the internet will oblige. There is no end of swinger-clubs, BDSM events and the like, even in provincial towns. So, no excuses – get involved. 

Back to cannabis. How does this affect the learning process? On the positive side it helps break down inhibitions and you can often find you surprise yourself at what you can achieve. Cannabis has two downsides to sex, clumsiness, and the real killer, the giggles. Taking clumsiness first, just as you wouldn’t start operating heavy machinery or fire-up that chain-saw while high, why imagine sex is any different, especially the more exotic forms. Even attempting a simple 69 can cause a kneeing in the cheeks or a bash to the nose. Which reminds me; prolonged cunnilingus on cannabis can lead, via the munchies, to an overwhelming desire to switch to a strawberry flavoured ice-lolly from the fridge instead (other flavours are available).  Can you imagine conducting a threesome under these circumstances. Fortunately, you don’t have to imagine; let me “imagine” for you. 

Suppose for the sake of argument you found yourself in a bar in Amsterdam with your partner, and you were relaxing with a transvestite friend of yours. A little hash, a little alcohol, and the three of you decide to have sex together there-and-then in the bar, on the pouffes they so generously provide. A few cuddles and gropes, and the general direction of travel is a tv-sandwich (two “crusty” transvestites with a femme-filling). Things start OK, but it does take quite a lot of coordination. Its plumbing on a human scale, and angles and orientation are critical. You just about master these then the unexpected happens; one of your co-transvestite water-filled artificial-boobs springs a leak under an unexpected pressure surge. Warm water deluges the whole affair, and although a replacement is quickly instigated (always be prepared), the moment is lost, which is a great shame for you and your audience.

 After this mother-of-all wardrobe-malfunctions the even-worst happens; the giggles sets-in. However much you try to get back to an effective level of friskiness the damage has been done. All that is left is to arrange your clothes back to something approaching normal (dresses down, dicks-in) and brush your hair. Then the three of you continue as if nothing much had happened (which it hadn’t, except a mega wardrobe-malfunction), and you buy a round of drinks, which the bar-hostess said was on-the-house.

I’ll just insert one other cautionary story concerning cannabis and sex. One of the most artistic scene-fetishes is the still-life. Here female and male models lie on tables with items of food strategically placed; an apple or two by the pelvis, grapes draped over legs and arms, whipped cream topping breasts, bananas and cucumbers placed… well you know. Although cannabis enhances the artistic appeal, the munchies can prompt a near overpowering desire to nibble-away at the installation. This is very much frowned upon, though I can fully recommend the avocado dipped in the cream-cheese-spread, just don’t get caught doing it. 

So, there we have it. Cannabis is great for initiating sex, but can get in the way of execution. I wish you well in your explorations. A quick last thought; probably not a good idea to have a threesome in your local, the Dog-and-Duck, as Amsterdam is more “accommodating” in this regard than the UK. Which brings me around finally to considering public prejudice about sex in general, and SM in particular. I think we need to start a movement, modelled along the lines of the crusades organized by that great evangelist, Billy-Graham. This should help dispel any notion that the West is morally decadent and in decline, and be a soft-power-success. alongside the Eurovision-Song-Contest. 

We need to identify someone who can take SM to the masses, can speak to the common man and woman, and start a movement that will sweep the world. It would start slowly, with small crusading events, high-school by high-school through the rural states of the US. Local and international sex-acts and performances would be incorporated into a slick production of SM theory and practice, providing practical moral guidance for all. It would be accompanied by a comprehensive marketing and merchandising campaign, with top-of-the-range sex toys such as gold-plated-nipple-clamps and internet-enabled-vibrators (batteries not included). Each one would be embossed with the crusade’s emblem, which I suggest should be the Saint-Andrew’s cross. I also suggest Venus-in-Furs by the Velvet-Underground be its theme song. 

The crusade should build momentum and culminate with a grand “renewal” week held at Maddison-Square-Garden. Separate groups could carry their crosses across the country to arrive simultaneously at the grand event. After a successful US crusade, the whole format would be repeated in other countries, with special emphasis being placed on Russia and Iran where the “good-news” is most desperately needed. I think we can all agree that this would bring light to world, and help build more tolerance and understanding in this beautiful world. Sorry, I’m just brushing away a few tears away from my eyes. God bless. 

Footnote: 

Just a quick footnote regarding internet-enabled-vibrators for the crusade. These would have to be hack resistant to the highest possible standards. Currently too little attention is being spent on this. There is a real possibility that during times of political tension, a coordinated-and-concerted attack by the West’s enemies could take control of these vibrators world-wide and cause mayhem. Consider the damage that would occur if a Stuxnet-like, full-power-overload breach occurred. Female judges would be rendered incapable mid-sentencing, high-school-mams literally bought to their knees in front of class, bus-drivers forced into dangerous manoeuvres before finding somewhere to pull-over and stop, TV-news-anchorettes and weather-girls transfixed by their teleprompters, lady-shoppers clutching their supermarket trolleys, pilots… the list is endless. It doesn’t bear thinking about, and is why we must all take cyber-security very seriously indeed.