5. Cannabis-and-Eating

Eating and cannabis go together like rocket-fuel and oxidant. Get the mixture right and you ae off to the stars. Get it wrong and you explode on the launchpad (or on the toilet). The reason for this is of course the “munchies”; that cannabis induced feeding-frenzy that can overwhelm all rationality and reduce the sufferer to a sad, ingestion automaton. Bereft of any self-awareness it goes about its fridge-raiding and takeaway/takeout madness, leaving a trail of empty plates and food-waste behind. The automaton can be tamed though, and I hope to give you a little advice from someone who should have known better over the years, but still doesn’t. Where to start, where to start? 

I’ll start with two serious warnings. Firstly, never ever decide to fry chips/fries when you’re stoned. The unfortunate event that prompts this warning occurred at college. There we all were, in a downstairs flat at the bottom of one of Essex University’s tower-blocks, smoking joints and watching the telly. We were all a bit “peckish”, and Vanessa, one of our co-hosts, very nicely suggested that we all eat something. Chips? A very good choice we all agreed, and she left in the direction of the kitchen to begin proceedings. We continued our animated conversations. 

After half-an-hour Rich, Vanessa’s husband, said out loud “she’s been a long time”, and went towards the kitchen. Marbella my partner and I followed. As Rich opened the kitchen door and oxygen entered the kitchen, a fire-ball of flame shot-out and we were left staring at a raging inferno. The cooker was on fire, the walls were on fire, burning oil was pooling on the floor, and smoke was filling from the ceiling downwards. Poor Vanessa was slumped on a chair with only a silly grin on her face. Its at times like this your autonomous nervous system kicks-in with a shot of adrenaline that could have reanimated the dead. 

Rich grabbed Vanessa and successfully got her out of the kitchen. I rushed to the bedroom, grabbed a blanket, and threw it over the cooker. The fire there died-out immediately, and I was quite proud of myself, for about five seconds. Then the blanket also shot into flames and everything was even worse than before. At this time the sprinklers went-off and the fire alarms went-on. There was nothing to do except close the kitchen door and wait for professional help, which arrived surprisingly quickly; no more than three minutes I would say. 

The firemen/women did their stuff with extraordinary professionalism. Foam everywhere, soot everywhere, flames nowhere. It was out. Vanessa woke-up and was a little bemused by the whole thing. Later we discovered it was only minutes away from a raging-inferno incident, the worst nightmare for the fire-service with a ground-floor fire working its way up the tower-block. What made it potentially even worse was that it was between semesters and the block had been filled with Saga holidaymakers (Saga is an organisation for seniors). The firefighters were happy about it all though. Apparently, this had been one of their operational scenarios and they were proud all their plans and training worked so well. As for us? Well, you can imagine how we all felt. 

The second serious warning is to chew your food when eating on cannabis, just like your mummy told you, so you avoid the following. We were at a posh restaurant in Amsterdam when Marvella got an olive stuck in her throat. You sometimes see this in films, but the reality is terrifying. This was the second time since we were together that this had happened, so I was prepared to a certain extent. The adrenalin rush is hard to describe as you know that your actions in the next minute will determine whether the love-of-your-life dies in front of you, or not. Heimlich time. Stand up, turn-around, arms around her just under her chest, then an almighty yank. Nothing.

Second attempt. A few words “this may break your rib-cage”, then a yank with all my strength, no holding back, just everything I had. Out it shot, just like it does in the films, but it didn’t bounce, just rolled through the restaurant where it was fielded by an alarmed waiter with a napkin. What do you do then? Panic over, but do you continue your meal amongst the traumatized diners. Compromise time. We finished the course and said we would pay and go. Of course, we weren’t charged, but we never went back there. Shame, it was a nice place. 

The first time it happened was fifteen years earlier in the bedsit we were renting in London. It had a separate cooking area, from which Marvella emerged pointing to her throat. It took me quite a few seconds to realize what was going on, and it was almost like Charades, that parlour game where you mime a word or phrase. Three words, first word “me”, no “I”, second word “me” again, no “am”, third word “going to strangle someone”, no too many words. No don’t tell me, I am “coughing”, no nearly, I am “choking?”, “I am choking”? Yes. Oh fuck. It went similarly to the second time, but this time it was pasta, or was it a roast potato? I can’t remember. 

Let’s move back to other effects cannabis has on eating. The two obvious positive ones are the munchies (an overwhelming desire to nibble-on something), and the enhancing of taste. In philosophy-speak these are called qualia. These two are the primary enjoyment-drivers of eating while stoned. What I think may be going-on additionally but negatively, is that cannabis affects two feed-back-loops differently; the ones that “control” the munchies. Experience by myself and others is that actually nibbling something in response, does alleviate the craving but only temporarily. It’s not called (by the plural) the munchies by accident; it attacks again-and-again! This is the first feed-back-loop to be aware of. 

The second feed-back-loop is more insidious, because like the dog that didn’t bark in one of the Sherlock Holmes mysteries, this is a feed-back-loop that isn’t there but should be. Cannabis temporarily knocks-it-out. This is when you are full, normally you stop feeling hungry altogether, which should turn-off the munchies. But it doesn’t; cannabis allows you to massively overeat which is something you have to manage, or its that explosive toilet event in the morning. Spicy foods like curries are especially good at helping this happen. This can be managed however. 

What you should do is to snack. Allow time between treats. The snacks can be anything you like; sandwiches, fruit, chocolate, cereals, yoghurt etc. Avoid cooking anything, and certainly no frying. This way a whole evening can be constructed slaying the munchies without endangering one’s health. But what if you do want something cooked? Well here the takeaway/takeout is one option, but my preferred one is to go to a restaurant. They do the cooking and you can focus on enjoying the eating. There are some things to practice though. 

The first is restraint. Order lots of little things, like tapas. Due to my UK heritage by favourite restaurant cuisine is Indian, so I’ll present that as an example of what is possible regarding restraint. Absolutely order a starter, poppadom and/or onion bhagee, or whatever. What I personally like to do is set myself the impossible task of going through an entire Indian meal without dropping some crumbs. I suppose this is the restaurant equivalent of shooting a round-of-golf without dropping a shot (I believe these are called bogeys!). Golf is a bloody stupid-and-silly game which I have never played or wanted to, but I couldn’t think of any other analogies. Poppadom present one of the biggest challenges to this imperative. What I’ve learnt is to break them up into bite-sized pieces over a plate to catch the crumbs, then place any sauce on top before eating.

Then the main course. Again, choose lots of separate dishes, perhaps with some roti-bread. Take your time. Order a Kingfisher or Cobra beer to go with it. Caution again not to drop anything. With practice these first two phases can be stretched out into an hour or more. Finally take a coffee and/or a brandy. You can try an Indian sweet, but these are pretty strange and very sweet. If the restaurant is up-to-speed they should provide a chocolate to go with your coffee. That’s it – a perfect meal while remaining on the right side of the cool/sad behavioural boundary. 

Takeaways/takeouts are similar, but the temptation is there to eat the whole-lot in one go. My final thought is on burping/farting. These are just not cool and should be avoided. Strange stomach noises are just acceptable as you have no control over these, but you can always look at the dog suspiciously to deflect attention. So that’s my advice on maximizing the cannabis-and-eating paradigm. I’m sure there’s lots more to say, but I’m just off to the fridge to check-things-out. Back in five…